Made in Chelsea is BACK and this time they're in LA and, shockingly, it's as ridiculous as ever. Then, apparently the only person from Chelsea not at this party, Mark "I don't understand those people who drive. Speaking of, Toff loves graveyards and Mark wants his mausoleum to be in the middle of a lake. She wants Jamie, she'll farm out Jess to every Tom, Dick and Judd she can find to get her out of the way.
But not for long as Jamie is treating the hill as a speed dating exercise. How did everyone get invited to the same pool party? " said Jamie and that just about sums up the entire episode. She's me in a girl's version so what's not to like?We’re back for series five of Made In Chelsea, so pull up your family heirloom chair, crack open the mermaid caviar, open a bottle of champers older than your nan and get ready for some really, really awkward pauses and some really, REALLY good skin in some suspiciously quiet bars. Unlike the cast of The Only Way Is Essex, who spent their breaks between series lying face down on the pavement outside the Sugar Hut or fighting on Twitter, it seems that the Made In Chelsea lot are put away in silk-lined boxes, carefully stored and only taken out again four months later, emerging like glossy butterflies with beautiful hair – because the key thing that everyone tells each other in this episode is: “I haven’t spoken to you properly in ages.” Well, no-one speaks properly in Chelsea: they stutter along in broken up sentences, with massive pauses.But all the same: Francis hasn’t spoken to Louise, he hasn’t seen Spencer, Cheska and Binky haven’t seen each other at all, Ollie’s managed to go to New York and back AND get a new girlfriend – basically, they’re acting like they’ve been in posh person hibernation since December. But it’s not all naked LOLs – Jamie, who’s wearing a fur coat and pants like Snoop Dogg’s had a nasty run-in with a bleach bottle, has to talk to Mr Gilmour the accountant, who tells Jamie that he’s spending TWO AND A HALF THOUSAND POUNDS A NIGHT on his hotel room … Which seems quite cheap, given that the rooms are so expensive. Mr Gilmour claims that Oscar winners don’t spent that much on suites, but we’re not sure which Oscar winners he’s talking about.And here we are in Jamie’s hotel room (well, suite) having a massive party – girls are in the bath in their knickers, Mark Francis is spraying what’s probably not Lidl cava up the walls like he doesn’t pay the cleaning bill, and no-one is screaming and protecting their blow-dry. The party’s going so well, we get to see Jamie’s bum … Someone who won an Oscar in 1987 best sound editing?
Because we don’t think Gwyneth Paltrow is getting a hot flush of panic while she’s signing off a bar bill for £600.
Meanwhile, Millie, Binky and Rosie are discussing THE SLAP from last series.
“My hand still hurts, Spencer’s cheeks are meaty,” says Millie.
Babes, if your hand has been hurting for FOUR MONTHS, it’s probably time to go to the doctor.
And don’t worry, Rosie’s here to explain the concept of the show to us all, in one quick sentence: “It’s so AWKWARD”.
While trying to explain to Louise why he’s single, Francis makes former girlfriend Sophia leaving London sound like she’s died – repeating “Sophia’s actually gone” with all the gravity of a priest at a funeral. Well, she’s probably not – outside Chelsea, horrors like jobs, buses and Wetherspoons lurk. And it’s not a new series of Made In Chelsea unless we’ve got new characters – and thanks to Andy and Stevie, we meet Fran and Olivia.